Hidden Chapter

For them it was just a mistake,
to forget and move on.
For me it was an important chapter of my life,to hold and learn.

For them it was my foolishness and stupidity, a game of blame and taunts.
For me it was my first decision of life,
from struggle to strength.

For them it was all about material happiness, to walk with pride and honour.
For me it was an attachment of soul,
to walk with kindness and love.

For them it was my visible smile,
a sign of happiness.
For me it was my hidden cry,
a mask of patience and brokenness.

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When I saw the moon
I wished for solitude
When I saw the stars
I wished for company

Now I enjoy my solitude
admist company
Now neither acceptance
nor rejection matters

Because now I have found
Peace!
I have found the real source of peace
Its Him and only Him, The Most High!

Hidden Chapter

For them it was just a mistake,
to forget and move on.
For me it was an important chapter of my life, to hold and learn.

For them it was my foolishness and stupidity, a game of blame and taunts.
For me it was my first decision of life,
from struggle to strength.

For them it was all about material happiness, to walk with pride and honour.
For me it was an attachment of soul,
to walk with kindness and love.

For them it was my visible smile,
a sign of happiness.
For me it was my hidden cry,
a mask of patience and brokenness.

Detachment

Tangled in the grief of past,
Swaying with every step of hope
I had to embark my journey of pain.
It was my time to detach,
detach and sail…
I boxed my dreams with tears and smile
plastered with hope in the Lord of Universe.
Strings of attachment pulled me back
Sob! I was weakened.
Hard was my detachment,
Far was my dream.
Detachment was compulsion
to enter the garden of peace.
I sailed a great distance,
this time never to return.
Captured in the mist of sorrow
forever I’ll walk
curtained under the layer of smile…

Peace( In search of)

Peace; in the search of which I drove my life cart,

Travelling through the potholes my wheels were worn out.

I pulled it with my rope of hope.

But, they refused to move an inch.

“This is not our path”, they yelled.

But, this is the path most chose, I said.

I pulled them again with all my might

Thud! The wheels broke,

 I fell shattered and sore.

This was not my path of peace later I realised

And now, I chose to stand and shine

to reach my shore where peace I can befriend.

The path was difficult, alone I had to travel

Hope in my Lord was all I gathered.

There was my dream which was too far to reach

Patience and silence I chose when at peak.

Search for peace was my only goal

for which I’ll strive with my wounded soul.

Final Path

I bottled my pain to walk through the woods they chose,

Their laughter filled the skies, my tears captured within the dark clouds.

I could see my bruises bleed pleading for help

I could only hush them with the dirt.

Drenched and toiled I chose to smile,

None came to rescue, because it was my final path.

Bells rang across the woods, my heart sank a little more

I wished to enter the soil shrouded in white,

That would be the divine miracle of my Lord; I smiled with the thought of returning to my Lord.

New pain?

I’m sacred, I’ll fail in this phase of pain.

I’m scared, I’ll never find myself back again.

I’m scared waking with this fear of unknown everyday.

I’m sacred this emptiness will swallow me oneday.

I wish to free myself from these shackles,

I wish to be less judged and more heard.

Will these rain bring the rainbow or will it come with a flood of another pain?

July 31,2020

That night I woke up with a heavy head, which reminded me how I wept the previous day. Slowly I walked out of the room making sure no one woke up. Went to get my ablution done.. I then spread my prayer mat on the floor, suddenly my heart started beating very fast I felt all arteries across my heart were pumping with great effort. I distracted myself to focus only on my Rabb.

And then I bowed to my Creator; feeling all his presence within my deepest veins. Finally when my forehead hit the floor my eyes started flowing like never before. I wept, I wept. I wept for the pain I was going through, I wept for the lessons I learnt, I wept for the echoing hurtful words, I wept for not reaching people’s expectations, I wept for all my fears turning true with each passing day, I wept because I knew it was my Rabb who would alone accept me in this brokenness…

And then I sat on my prayer mat absorbed in my thoughts. I always thought I was the culprit and people around me were the victims. I always thought it was my mistake because I didn’t give my best. That day for the first time I realised I was the victim. The victim of someone’s ego, the victim of someone’s expectations, the victim of someone’s weakness, the victim of someone’s desires and sadly the victim of my own selfless love (which many termed as my foolishness).

Did I deserve this I asked myself?

No answer..

I wept again, gulping every breath so that I was not heard. My head hurt very badly, I thought I couldn’t stand up again. The weeping continued for a long 5 minutes or more and then I decided to lock up my lacrimal glands.

Now, I remembered every scornful look from my relatives for mistakes I never did. Again I asked myself did I deserve this? Unanswered again.

I looked up, I knew my Rabb was watching me, I knew He will surely respond to my unanswered questions, I knew these tears will be replaced with a long lasting happiness when I return to Him. This hope made me to stand up again. I stood up and embraced myself, I embraced my strength, I embraced my weaknesses, I embraced my pain.

And then I mumbled “Oneday my silence will speak.”

Broken

She feared the thorns in the garden,

but it were the flowers that pricked.

Shedding the blood through her eyelashes.

Sweet or bitter she was forced to gulp, dare not to complain, dare not to mourn.

They thought it was the end of her misery.

Sadly it was not.

It was the beginning of her untold story to be hidden within the colourful petals.

She was to be sucked by the butterflies, because she was a flower.

A flower dare not to complain, dare not mourn.

Bed of hope

In the serenity of night,

I woke up with a flight.

I saw a beaming light,

I thought it was my rescue

Fast I ran, panting and chanting with all my might.

Suddenly, the light disappeared leaving me boggled.

“You can’t enter”, I heard a voice,

We fear your darkness will kill our light.

Darkness I saw everywhere,

nothing to hold, none to care.

I returned to my bed of hope,

Frowning and weeping holding my broken heart,

with a promise not to hurt me anymore.