That night I woke up with a heavy head, which reminded me how I wept the previous day. Slowly I walked out of the room making sure no one woke up. Went to get my ablution done.. I then spread my prayer mat on the floor, suddenly my heart started beating very fast I felt all arteries across my heart were pumping with great effort. I distracted myself to focus only on my Rabb.
And then I bowed to my Creator; feeling all his presence within my deepest veins. Finally when my forehead hit the floor my eyes started flowing like never before. I wept, I wept. I wept for the pain I was going through, I wept for the lessons I learnt, I wept for the echoing hurtful words, I wept for not reaching people’s expectations, I wept for all my fears turning true with each passing day, I wept because I knew it was my Rabb who would alone accept me in this brokenness…
And then I sat on my prayer mat absorbed in my thoughts. I always thought I was the culprit and people around me were the victims. I always thought it was my mistake because I didn’t give my best. That day for the first time I realised I was the victim. The victim of someone’s ego, the victim of someone’s expectations, the victim of someone’s weakness, the victim of someone’s desires and sadly the victim of my own selfless love (which many termed as my foolishness).
Did I deserve this I asked myself?
I wept again, gulping every breath so that I was not heard. My head hurt very badly, I thought I couldn’t stand up again. The weeping continued for a long 5 minutes or more and then I decided to lock up my lacrimal glands.
Now, I remembered every scornful look from my relatives for mistakes I never did. Again I asked myself did I deserve this? Unanswered again.
I looked up, I knew my Rabb was watching me, I knew He will surely respond to my unanswered questions, I knew these tears will be replaced with a long lasting happiness when I return to Him. This hope made me to stand up again. I stood up and embraced myself, I embraced my strength, I embraced my weaknesses, I embraced my pain.
And then I mumbled “Oneday my silence will speak.”